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Sunday, April 17, 2005
Well, I haven't written here for a while. I'm not sure what I am going to write tonight but there are a few things on my mind.
Moving in with you is a big step, even if it's only for a little while. It's really difficult to explain, I love being with you and I like your place, I should, I helped pick things out. It's just that it's all you. Not that it shouldn't be you, it's your place. It's just that when I try to imagine evenings there, I can't think of anything that I would do. Maybe I worry about nothing, as usual. I wish I could put my finger on what worries me. I think I just feel like I'm always visiting - like I'm not really home. I'm not sure if what I'm saying makes sense, but maybe you understand a little more now that you have your own place. When you are somewhere else, it's just different. It's not your pictures on the wall, or the way that your kitchen is set up... things are just different. Oh well, don't worry about me, just rambling. I really do appreciate that you are willing to let me stay in the first place.
I think about us, and where exactly this is going. I know we joke about a lot of things, and one of the things we "joke" about most is marriage and your sudden urge to have children. This worries me. I have to admit, I sometimes wonder if we are just going to date forever. The thing that worries me most is that I don't think I really even could say for sure that I know what I want. I know what I don't want. I don't want to live the rest of my life feeling like I couldn't give you the one thing that you are beginning to realize that you want - children. I don't want to lose myself again in becoming what I think someone else wants. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel any pressure from you to be anything except what I want to be. But I'm starting to see the signs. I want to do things for you. I don't want you to have to learn how to do laundry or cook, I want to do it for you. So rather that teaching you, like we planned, I am doing for you. Not because you ask, or because you expect me to, but because I equate loving someone with doing things for them, no matter what it is. The only difference is that I recognize it.
Mostly, I don't ever, for any reason whatsoever, want to hurt or disappoint you by not being who you think I am. Stupid things like making sure that I put things back exactly as they were become an obsession with me and that's not the way I am normally, but I am with you because I believe that is what you want from me. Whether you do or not, is irrelevant. I know you seek perfection in all things and I don't want to be the one who doesn't measure up. I love you too much for that.
Oh well, I guess the next two months will be the tell as to where this goes...
10:23 PM Karen