Some of what I write tonight may be affected by my being tired, some by my feeling sorry for myself and some is genuine concern. I know that you will read it and then tell me that you want to address it but at a later time, and that's fine because I know that you always say that and the time never comes. So I feel pretty comfortable in the fact that if I feel differently about some of this by the light of day, it will never be an issue.

I worry about our relationship. Let me rephrase that. I worry about our friendship. I feel lately that it's become incredibly one sided. Tonight for instance, I went to see Tony to have him fill in the medical form so that I could take it with me when I went to drop Rachel's and mine off tomorrow. It's probably one of the last things that I will do for him because I still worry about his health and would feel bad if I got Rachel and I a doctor and didn't at least offer to make sure that he was taken care of. When I talked to him on the phone and told him I would bring the form over if he was going to be home, he was hesitant but I just overlooked it. The reason that he was hesitant was because April was there. But being who I am, I went anyway, even though I suspected that was the reason. To make a non story short, she was there, he filled out the form and thanked me. I invited him to come over on Christmas afternoon, which he said he would and I went on my way. I wasn't upset, I want him to be happy. I just found it kind of ironic that he was home to watch a movie with April on a Sunday night, when every Sunday night I could remember he would be at the horse races.

Anyway, when I was walking home, I was thinking about Rachel moving. I thought about people moving and what makes them stay in the city that they live in. You know, like your family and friends are here and your job is here. And I started thinking about me. With Rachel gone and Joanna pretty much on her own and Tony having moved on what did I have to keep me here? I am educated and could get a job elsewhere.Don't read more into this than there is. This is not a ploy, just self analysis or realization or whatever you want to call it. I love you and I know that you love me. I am not planning on moving, and I am not mentioning it simply to get a reaction from you.

What this has to do with my original point is that when you called, all we really talked about was you and I realized that the majority of the time, we talk about you. It's not your fault and I don't mean to imply that it is, but whenever I think of something that I want to talk about that has to do with me, it's usually something that you have a non opinion about or I feel like you dismiss the conversation. There's seldom any kind of feedback so I don't bother telling you the things that I think about or that I feel unless they somehow involve you. That seems to be the only time that you're interested.

Case in point, after I was at Kristine's the other night, on the way home you told me how you felt/didn't feel about the movie that you saw for a good 10 minutes. When the conversation changed to the topic of Vicky getting written up for missing work due to her mother's illness and I said that I quit my job due to my mother having cancer, you dismissed the whole conversation assuming that it was going in the direction of how Teletech handles things when really I was going to say that it's important that you treat your parents with respect and that you are there for them because they were there for you when you were little and depended on them. You instead wanted me to tell you a "fantasy" story. When you do those things you make me feel like what I have to say isn't important and that everything we have is always going to come back to either you or sex, or you and sex. It's implied in every conversation that we have. I know that I instigate it a lot of the time too, but sometimes I just need a friend to talk to. Someone who will offer an opinion or a suggestion.
I know that you see me as a strong person and I appreciate that. I do like to make decisions on my own but I like to have a second opinion, or at least someone else's thoughts. I know ultimately the decision is mine and most things I can talk to Rachel or Joanna about. But there are things that I can't discuss with them. Like the fact that I want to talk to Tony about filing for divorce but I don't know how to broach the subject. That's not something that either Jo or Rach is going to be willing to give me any feedback on. And it's one of those things that you have no experience with so have no opinion on, or none that you voice so I'm left to figure out how to go about this on my own. I don't know if you'll worry that me filing for divorce means that I expect a future with you, I don't know if it matters to you whether you describe me to people as someone who is divorced as opposed to just separated, I don't know if you just really don't care, one way or another. There's a lot of things that I don't know and that I will probably never know and maybe some that I'm better off not knowing. What I do know is that I need to feel comfortable talking to you about anything and that you're not going to just dismiss it, or make me feel like I may as well be talking to myself. The fact that I have to write this rather than tell you is like a red flag to me.

Anyway, true to form, this has always been my forum for getting things off my chest. Like I said, it's late and things will probably look much different in the morning. I may even regret that I wrote this but I wouldn't be true to myself if I didn't say what I think. It's the one thing you can always count on. Right now, I really should be getting some sleep.