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Thursday, September 16, 2004
Okay, now for the one that you have been waiting (im)patiently for.
Sometimes it’s hard to find anything to say that we haven’t already said to each other. But I’m sure there are things that I worry about that I don’t voice. I think my biggest worry is that you are happy. I worry that someday you will realize that there is so much that you wanted but never sought out because of your feelings for me. I don’t want you to ever feel that you have wasted too much of your time with me. I know that you aren’t sure that you want children in your life, but I also know that you haven’t ruled it out. I try to be realistic in understanding that someday you may want to move on and get married to someone who can give you that family. I never thought that I would say it, but sometimes things that I never thought I would do, or would want to do, I would do with you. I realized that when I saw Mindy’s tattoo. I have always been against them, but I thought that it was kind of sweet and realized that I would do that with you, except for the fact that I have always been so set against them. Our relationship sometimes scares me because there is no real direction or any long term plans. Most of the time, that’s okay. I have grown to accept living (and sleeping) alone. Other times, I really hate when you leave. I wish I had whatever it takes to not care what Rachel thinks. I am after all, the one who pays the rent. But I can’t make myself do it.
Anyway, on to happier thoughts. I am so happy for you that you have your own place now. I think that you will see such a change in the way you look at life when you have a place of your own where every decision, whether it’s buying something expensive or what to have for dinner is truly yours and you don’t have to explain it or justify it to anyone else. When you’ve had enough of the world, it’s nice to have a place that’s serene where you can go to just exist. When we do the decorating, that’s what I want to help you create. Something that when people walk in, they know that it’s totally who you are. Calm and organized, yet friendly and welcoming. Clean lines and a subtle sense of style. I just have to make sure that it’s not too “chick friendly” lol. I know that we kind of touched on this, but I want to assure you that I will not assume the role of “lady of the manor”. I know that you love me and that you want me with you a lot of the time, but the times that you don’t, I’m sure you don’t want to be looking at my stuff. That’s the other reason that I want to make sure that you are completely involved in the decorating process. This is your place, and as much as you and I have a lot of the same tastes, I want it to be completely you.
I love the idea that we are on the exact same shifts at work now, right down to the lunches and the breaks. Don’t feel that you always have to spend your lunch with me though. I know that sometimes you just want to go for a walk or something by yourself.
I can’t wait to go away again with you. I love waking up in the middle of the night and knowing you’re still beside me. I love waking up with you and going to sleep with you. I love walking with you, eating with you and making love with you. I love the touch of your hands even when you accidentally brush my arm. I love when you hold me when we’re waiting in line for something and I love it when you just hold my hand.
I know that I have said this before to you, but I really feel kind of sad for both Dana and Kristine because of the whole triangle situation. It’s kind of sad that neither of them have the self-esteem to know that they deserve to be treated better than they are. I always feel for people who would rather put up with a little bit than to say “I demand more than this.” I look at us and wonder where we would be if I hadn’t made you make a choice (not to mention if you had not chosen me). I was thinking about that the other day and, I don’t mean for this to come out egotistical but I wonder how instrumental I have been in you now being a homeowner. I think sometimes that I push people too hard to achieve things that I was never self disciplined enough to do myself. I hope you don’t think that I have pushed you into something that you aren’t ready for. I would like to think that I simply made you understand that you are truly a grown up and more than smart enough to start getting on with the life that you ultimately want. At least that’s how I tell myself it is. I want to think that something as simple as someone loving you and believing in you is what gave you the strength and determination to make changes. It’s funny, but when people like Debra or anyone for that matter mention us living together, I vehemently insist that it is not going to be like that and I just, as I was typing, realized why I am so against people thinking that. It’s because I don’t want to, or want anyone to think that I would, ride on someone else’s coattails so to speak. If I did not contribute, I do not want to partake if that makes any sense to you. I am thrilled for you, I know this is what you worked for and wanted in your life, but I don’t want anyone, including you, to think that I am only in this for what you can give me (unless you’re talking about sex – then I'm in) .
I didn't mean to snap at you the other day when you were teasing me about going out with Rebecca and Scott and being drunk, it's just that it's kind of a sore spot with me. I am generally a social person. I like to go out with people and don't get the chance to do it very often so when I do, I have fun. However, having grown up in a home with two alcoholic parents and having a daughter who makes more than her share of phone calls in an intoxicated state, it hurts to be told that I was drunk when I know that I wasn't. I called you cause I wanted to talk to you, and I realized that you had probably called me when you got home and I wouldn't have been there. As I told you the other day, alcohol was one of the many problems in my marriage. Tony couldn't handle me going out cause every time that I did, I came home totally blitzed. He was right to be upset with me, I don't deny that, but I guess the underlying reason for the drinking in the first place was to make me forget the life I had and take on a persona that was who I really was. I wanted to have fun, but unless I could obliterate my obligations, I would feel guilty. I didn't think I felt that way anymore, but when you said that, all of a sudden the guilt came back and it made me angry. I don't want to feel guilty for being who I am. I do understand that you were only teasing me, but it didn't change my gut reaction. You know me, react first and think later. Maybe someday I can fix that.
Anyway, for having not much to say, I do go on, don't I ? That's okay, I know you like to read. I have to go now though because Canadian Idol is almost on and I have to watch the Lisa Loeb girl and hope that she beats out the blond curly haired hobbit kid.
Everyone needs one thing in their lives that they can believe in. It creates a centre of gravity, somthing that always balances you. I believe in us.
7:07 PM Karen