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Tuesday, May 04, 2004
I sit here looking at the blank page and wondering what it is that I want to say that I haven’t already said to you. We have become like one and there seems to be nothing that we can’t discuss. I am becoming totally at ease in expressing exactly what I feel when we’re together, yet after you leave it seems that there is more that I have not said. I remember when I was younger, I would be out with my best friend and as soon as I got home, I would have to call her or she would call me. My mother never understood how, after being together all day, there could be something that wasn’t said. That’s how it is with us. I guess that makes you my best friend.
Watching Alex and Emma last night reminded me of when we first met. How you felt that there was that one “perfect” woman for you, the super model who was the one that would cause you to be the envy of every man. I told you at the time that the “perfect” one for you may be right in front of you, but you would miss it because you were too preoccupied with superficial beauty. Well here we are, much later. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t begin to presume that I am what you were looking for, but I am here and I love you. More to the point, you have managed to fall in love with me despite my flaws, both physical and character. You told me a long time ago that you wouldn’t start a relationship with someone that you saw no future with so does that mean that you feel that we do have a future? I wonder….
Sometimes when you mention, half joking, moving in together or the future in general I get scared. I wonder if I was ever really meant to be with anyone on a permanent basis. I worry about the fact that I couldn’t make a marriage work and I don’t want to screw up anyone else’s life. Funny, I wasn’t this apprehensive about getting married. But then I guess failure will make you a little gun shy. Or maybe it’s just that I don’t know that I have ever felt this way about anyone before. Oh, to be able to go back in time and be able to do it all over again knowing what we know now. If I had known that you existed, I would have taken the chance and waited. But then who knows how it would have turned out. The butterfly effect and all….
On to other things. I painted Rachel’s dresser and nightstand this morning, now to keep the cat away from them so that they can dry… I still have to clean the kitchen and put up the shelf in Rachel’s room. I want to see if I can get the old hard drive to work, to get my pictures off it at least and I still have to sit down and try to figure out if I can afford to take my excel course this time, or wait until next time. I also have some sites to check out for a friend, workopolis, monster and some bank sites for mortgage information….
Okay, that’s it for now. I really should be doing something productive….
11:17 AM Karen