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Monday, January 19, 2004
Well, another week gone. Tim has shown the house numerous times but the for rent sign remains… Snow, snow and more snow seems to be the theme of the past week. As I look out the window, guess what? It's snowing again! Enough already. I hope most of it, if not all, is gone before I have to move. And speaking of which, I think Rachel has her heart set on the apartment on Conway. It really is probably the best one as far as being close to everything we need so I think that I will put the deposit down on it and hope that we can get in for the first of March. I know that my mind will definitely be at ease once that is done and I know for sure what is going on. It's good that it's something I can afford because once Rachel is done her schoolwork, I know she wants to enroll in Fanshawe full time so the job will probably go out the window… lol. She wants to quit now, and she's not even finished her courses. Joanna's still looking, but I'm sure they will find something soon. They still have 6 weeks so something will turn up.
It's funny that I'm so nervous/anxious/worried about this whole thing. I'm usually such a "fly by the seat of your pants" kind of person but this time it's not like that. Maybe because it's signifies a new beginning and I want to get started right. There are so many things that I am hoping for and looking forward to that I really don't want to screw this up.
That brings me to another upcoming event in my life that makes me a little nervous. Marco has decided that he wants me to go to his brother-in-law's birthday party after all. I asked him what changed his mind, thinking that maybe he had started checking out my blog again and had seen what I wrote last week, but he said that he had been thinking about it and asked his sister if it was okay. She said that she meant to ask him if he was bringing me, so I guess I'm going to "meet the family". Okay, so I tell myself "Self - this is no big deal" and myself reminds me "Karen, what do you mean no big deal? You are 13 years older than him. Do you really think that there aren't going to be questions?". Let's see, in a perfect world there would simply be acceptance and they would look at me and think "Wow, Marco has finally found someone that makes him happy and that is a great thing". But who am I kidding? They are more likely to look at me and think a) she can't find someone her own age, b) she's after his money c) he's closer to her daughter's age than hers and I'm sure his mother's first thought will be "she can't give him children. Cause really, that's what this all boils down to. What his mother thinks. Marco idolizes his mother. Not that he's a mama's boy, but he thinks very highly of her opinion and I'm not saying that he wouldn't go against what she thought, but I know that it would tear him apart to do so. The worst part, if she did feel that way, I would understand, but I would also be hurt because I have met her before briefly and liked her. But I suppose no one could command that kind of love and respect from a child without having earned it so I have to believe that she only wants what makes him happy and I hope she realizes that is all I want to do. I don't want his money, I don't care about the age difference and I worry about the children thing too. I still believe it will eventually rise up as an issue, but not for a while yet so I plan on enjoying whatever time I have. So anyway, tomorrow or Wednesday is the trial run. I'm supposed to go over to his house and help him with his computer. I've been there before when his mother and dad were there, but never as "the girlfriend". Cross your fingers that all goes well. This could be the make or break point.
I understand his sister wanting him to bring someone. Marco has told me before about family events where he goes by himself and feels like he is kind of like an outsider. I'm sure Tina, as close as she is to Marco, and Linda too, want him to be happy. They don't want to see him as the little brother who still lives at home. They want him to have a life and that includes having someone to share these kind of things with. One of the sweetest things that he has ever said to me was when he told me that at Christmas, when all the gifts were open and everyone was just sitting around, that he missed me and wished that I were there with him. I'm sure that Tina and Linda sensed that too and want to meet this person that means so much to him. I just hope I can live up to the expectations. That is where I'm worried. I almost wish I could avoid the simple most basic questions, but I know that Marco lives his life around being open and honest, so I have to honour that and let whatever happens, happen. So I'm 41, I have two daughters, 19 and 21, I was married for 23 years but am recently separated (I may have to make a decision about that one - I wonder if the fact that you didn't have sex for the six months before you actually lived in different residences means that you have actually been separated longer than the actual physical separation?) and yes, I am in love with your son/brother and would rather die than hurt him. Oh and by the way, did I mention that he used to date my daughter? - Maybe I'll leave that one out. Oh well, no sense worrying about what hasn't happened - yet. One day at a time remember - that's the new rule to live by.
I decided not to take another course yet, at least not until I finish the one I'm on and get moved and settled. Too much on my mind to cram more in there, even if it is only an excel course. Better to leave it until I can be a little more focused. Not only that, numbers are being crunched, pennies pinched and every dime is going into this move. There are a lot of things that I'm not even bothering to take and will need to get some new stuff when I get moved so no luxuries for me right now. Not that education is a luxury, but it is an expense that can be delayed. The courses will always be available. I've waited this long to do this, a few extra months will not make a difference.
Anyway, I should be doing something productive…..
8:42 AM Karen