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Tuesday, January 13, 2004
Well, it's been a long time but I think I'm ready and have a little time to start putting my thoughts back to paper, or web page as the case may be. Packed China cups and saucers. Checked for any new listings as far as apartments go. Looks like Conway is still the best bet. I hope there are new ones opening for March 1st cause I really would like one with new carpet and appliances if I can….
Sent Marco an email to say good morning… I found another site last night to chart astrological compatibility. Funny how some sites just say Libra and Libra are a bad match. I don't think so though, because what I read doesn't sound like us. Well maybe a bit. Marco is a little wrapped up in himself…. Lol… I don't think I am though, at least I hope I'm not…. I know I obsess a little about money sometimes, alright a lot of the time, but only when I know there are bills that absolutely have to be paid and I don't know where the money is going to come from to pay them… We had a long conversation about that and other things yesterday over coffee/hot chocolate… It's been a while since we have actually had a long conversation about anything other than work. I don't want him to think that I'm not interested in the documents and job aids that he's creating, I admire the passion that he is putting into it, but I am finding that I zone myself out during these conversations. Sometimes I know he is taking what I am saying wrong, and sometimes I find myself playing devil's advocate just to make him realize that everything is not always black and white. Sometimes I wonder if it's really going to work between us. He's still avoiding having me meet his family (as his girlfriend). He says it's because he doesn't really put that much importance on it, but I think it's more than that. Personally, I still thing that the guilt manifestation is what is holding him back. Maybe if I had a lot of money, or if I was younger, or if I hadn't been married, or if I didn't have children…. All of these things make me "not perfect" and everything that he presents to his father has to be perfect as far as he's concerned or it's not good enough. It's definitely not something that I want to push though… It's not that important to me in the grand scheme of things.
I really do believe that he perceives himself to be in love with me, but sometimes I wonder if he would feel that way about anyone who gave him the chance to be the centre of their attention. I guess maybe it's just me examining my own feelings for him as well. Sometimes this really is a high maintenance relationship. I'm hoping that when I get moved and he feels more comfortable coming over, and I feel more comfortable having him there….. I look forward to the things that I have never had. Companionable silence is a wonderful thing when you share so many interests in music and movies and such. So I guess it's not just him. In all fairness, I have never referred to him as my boyfriend, or even that we are dating to Jo or Rach. They know I am with him a lot of the time so I guess I just hope that they will come to the conclusion that we are a couple without me having to verbalize it. Does that make me a coward, or do I still feel guilty about Tony? I do feel guilty, but only because I don't feel as guilty about the whole marriage breakup as I probably should. I really do want to get on with my life, but I would be lying if I said that I don't worry about him. My greatest wish is that he find someone who can provide him with what I couldn't. I know I probably could have pretended or forced myself to believe that everything was fine between us for longer but I know now that had I done that, my whole life would have become empty.
Oh well, life goes on as they say…. Now, I really should be doing something productive…..
10:01 AM Karen