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Tuesday, July 15, 2003
Someone new came into my life today. His name is Leroy. I think he is just what I need - a distraction. I realized tonight that I have become too dependent on this relationship. I’m not sure how to put this into words, but when you spend your whole evening waiting for something that doesn’t happen, you gain new insight to what your life has become. As usual, this is just an explanation, not an accusation. I know that you don’t expect it, but I try to make myself available whenever you want to discuss your day, yet when the shoe is on the other foot and I want to talk, I also have to wait until you make your presence known. This is not your fault. You have other things in your life and I understand that I am not the centre of your universe. Unfortunately, I have made you the centre of mine and when you aren’t around, I don’t know what to do with myself. I am looking forward to taking courses in the fall, if for no other reason, than to fill that time.
I blame no one but myself for my current state of mind. I think my addictive personality has a lot to do with it. I can never seem to do things half way. I submerge myself totally into whatever is closest to my heart, and that is you. One more self help lesson. Accept that you are not always going to be available to everyone and when you want to talk about your day, there is probably someone else that you can discuss it with. Find something that you want to do and stop worrying that you will let someone down by not being there. Sometimes easier said than done. Especially in your case. I have so little time with you anymore, that I don’t want to have passed up on an opportunity to even talk to you online. So I sit and wait to see if you are going to be there. Pretty pathetic when you stop to think of it.
Let’s see, what has happened since I wrote last. Home is about the same. Someday we will have to talk about it. I did some major cooking on Sunday. Now there is Leroy. Cute little Leroy who just needs someone to take care of him. I am still waiting for the course guide from Fanshawe so that I can get moving on that. I have started a tutorial on the Fireworks web design program that I got from you, but haven’t had a whole lot of time to really work with it. I will continue though until I get the hang of it.
Work, is infuriating at best. Trying to remain a neutral territory is exhausting work. Being born under the scales helps. I really never used to put much stock into horoscopes and zodiac signs, but when I look at Joanna and the way she handles anything confrontational, she definitely is a Taurus. Put your head down and plow your way through. Everything based on emotion.
Speaking of emotion, Friday night at the drive-in, or should I say after the drive-in was magical. Nights like these are what makes me want to always be with you. The time we spend together is unlike any other time. It is sweet and precious and each time and each conversation is stored in my heart to live there forever. Yes, the movie was good, but contrary to what I would have you believe, Orlando Bloom is but a face on the screen, a good looking face albeit, but my heart beats only for you. You alone can make my pulse race and cause me to catch my breath.
So I think that’s about it. I miss you with all my heart and only feel complete when I have contact with you. Love, obsession or addiction? That is a discussion that will wait for another time.
1:53 AM Karen