Things that have made me happy in the last week:

Warm(hot) weather.
Dinner with you at a restaurant.
Finding Nemo
Meeting your eyes across a partition.
“you aren’t supposed to give your heart to anyone but me”
“Can I take my toys home with me?”
“Does the young lady want to take some perch home with her?”
A dancing Bush website.
A squirrel that came right up beside me while I was lying in the sun.
Ice cream at Merla Mae’s
Erotic images and remembered arousal
Dancing to the Wallflowers.
An afternoon in the park.
Internet flowers.
Undressing each other and making love with you in your bed.
Making you feel like a “porn star”
An email that couldn’t describe your real feelings because words weren’t enough.
The most wonderful new "happy place"
and You.

Things that made me sad:

Realizing that I wouldn’t get to spend as much time with you as I’d like.
Watching Dawson’s Creek series finale.
Finding Nemo.

Guess the week wasn’t so bad after all. In fact, it was pretty amazing.

As usual each new day that passes and puts time between me and what I perceive to be catastrophes lends new perspective to those things that I feel I will never overcome. Case in point, the world will not end if you and I are limited for a bit as far as the amount of time we can spend together. True, it is disappointing, but the mountains will not crumble, the sky will not fall. I always knew that Joanna inherited a lot of my character traits (flaws?) and as seen in my earlier entry, her flair for the dramatic is honestly passed-down.

So on to the new perspective. I went in to work yesterday prepared to continue to be depressed and hating life in general and then something happened that changed everything. You smiled at me. Something so simple and sincere that it made me realize how lucky I am to be so loved. I realized that what we have cannot be lessened by a short span of limitations to our physical contact. If anything it will be strengthened by knowing that you are with me always, although not always in body. All I really have to do is close my eyes and see that smile to know that you love me and everything will be fine.

Yes, next time I will take a little more into consideration when choosing a new shift, but what makes us who we are is that we are together and yet still independant when it comes to making decisions for our lives. I would no more expect you to give up a shift that worked for your life just because you would not be able to spend time with me, than you would expect that of me. That would be selfish and it just wouldn't be us. Honesty and openness, that's us. Selfishness and demands are not.

So if you see me with a faraway look in my eyes, I have found my way back to that place in time where everything was perfect, I was in your arms and the Wallflowers played in the background....

Well after the weekend I thought I was ready for anything. Nothing would be able to erase the dreamy smile from my face or ruin my wonderful mood. Even the weather was cooperating. And then the bottom fell out. Shift bid results and the knowledge that weekends like the one just past were no longer a possiblilty. There would be no more afternoons in the park, the planned beach excursions, romantic picnics and nights at the drive in that I had envisioned were washed away like sand castles built too close to the edge of the water. A feeling of despair cloaked me and I could almost hear Fate's laughter. "So, you thought this could go on indefinately? Dream on fools." That feeling seemed to envelop me throughout the evening, probably because I couldn't voice it. I so needed you to be there to put your arms around me and tell me it would be okay. That what we have is strong enough to withstand this. And to your credit, you gave it a valiant effort. You tried to lift me up to your white horse and make me see that it would be okay, but the weight of my fears would not allow me to be lifted. I tried to escape to my happy place, but it seemed sad in retrospect because everything I thought of seemed sad. Kind of like when your best friend moves away. You haven't had a fight, or anything bad, you just feel that things are going to change and you will never be where you were before. I don't know if that makes sense. It does in my head, but sometimes it loses something in the translation.

So I think that my best bet is to leave my happy place alone for now and keep the door to it closed until I can enter that room, that place in time, with a lighter heart. I'm sure everything will work out as it should, like it always does.

Well, another weekend is over. Let's recap. Parks, ice cream cones, a new sense of trust and belief in relationships, computers, meeting the parents, perch for the "young lady", dancing and a new song to add to my list. Oh, and a picture that I would like to superimpose another of myself, but it's not really me that I'm looking at... Sounds like a pretty full weekend. I'm not sure that I could pick a favourite moment, not just because I'm a libra, but because each new one seems to outshine the last. I'm not sure when the last time was when I felt this happy. That sounds really corny, but just thinking about how I feel when I'm around you brings tears to my eyes.

So, back to work I go feeling renewed and at peace with the world, knowing that if things start to close in, I can simply close my eyes and I will be transported back in time to a place where I am with you and everything is right. And I will hear the Wallflowers playing in the background....

I read Joanna's blog and as usual, when Joanna's life sucks, she feels the need to find turmoil in everyone else's life.... If she only senses that something is not right at home now, then she has not been paying attention for the past 10 years or more. She normally is so focused on her own life that she doesn't see what is right under her nose... So no, things are really no different at home, she just has time on her hands to notice...

I don't think I will ever have to rant again. I have now found my "happy place" where I can go whenever things start to get to be too much. I know that it will see me through numerous negative episodes at work and anywhere else. Thank you my love for showing me that place....