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Friday, June 20, 2003
Today was another perfect day. The weather was sunny and warm. You and I were together. Everything from the past week just kind of fell away, like I knew it would.
There are so many things going through my head right now that I am not sure if I can portray them all in the light that I see them. Most of them are not important, yet they affect my moods. I try not to let that happen and when I'm with you, it doesn't. Let me see if I can make you understand what has been going on, and this is all to do with work.
rant on
Do you remember when you told me that it bothered you when your masseuse always seemed to feel that she had the right answers and yours were incorrect or misguided? Well, that is what Sherry is like to me. No matter what I would say to Denise, Sherry would contradict it with the "right" information. You said that she told you that the negativity was soaking into her? I have never met anyone who is as negative as Sherry. She feels that life had dealt her a rotten hand and that everyone owes her. Seldom is she happy about anything that happens at work unless it puts more money on her paycheck. Nothing is "fair" as far as she is concerned. I dread being around her now that the new shift proxies are out. I don't think I can bear to listen to how she is going to have to find people to shift trade with her so she can have Saturdays off so that she can work at her second job. And she has to be done early so she can spend time with her daughter. Well if she needs to spend the time with her daughter, then maybe she should give up the second job. Now she's mad that work won't give her a week off for each daughter that is having a baby because she thinks that everyone who has a baby needs their mother for at least a week after the baby is born. Then you have Kristine, who is concerned that Derek is going to get a bad shift. Well, too bad. When he took this project he knew he was low man on the totem pole and would not get a good shift. So suck it up or go back to the phones! Also, even though Leanne was making efforts to try to mend the friendship between her and Kristine, and Kristine was supposedly accepting this, Kristine still feels that it is okay to refer to Leanne as Lenore and talk about her behind her back with Mindy and Karen Piper. I can't stand people who are two faced. It makes me sick. Another thing that I am tired of listening to is that Dominique is an idiot or stupid. Just because she doesn't conform to everyone else's standards doesn't mean that she is a freak, it just means that she has her own life and it does not revolve around the people at teletech. So sue. And with training, I wasn't getting to spend any time with you at all except for maybe 15 minutes before I had to go up there and you were always busy on tickets (not your fault) or Nicole or Willa was there and it sucked. So if anyone was absorbing negativity, it certainly wasn't Sherry.
rant off
But that is all irrelevant now. Three hours of one on one with you and it all disappeared. I thought of something today that surprised even me. I know that you are going to dinner with Dana and everyone else and I know that you are going to the show after dinner with Dana, but there is not one feeling of uneasiness, or jealousy. I feel totally okay with everything between us and have finally reached the level of trust where I want to be. That is a very good thing for me.
I found something on the web tonight that I copied because I don't think I could ever have said it better:
A True Soul Mate
Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around.
You tell them things that you've never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more.
You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you.
When something wonderful happens, you can't wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement.
They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself.
Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful.
There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition
but only a quiet calmness when they are around.
You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are.
The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever.
Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it's like being young again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant.
Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn't exist at all.
A phone call or two during the day helps to get you
through a long day's work and always brings a smile to your face.
In their presence, there's no need for continuous conversation, but you find you're quite content in just having them nearby.
Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you.
You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon.
You open your heart knowing that there's a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible.
You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that's so real it scares you.
You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and
possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end.
Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.
*****************************************
I'm kind of nervous about meeting your parents tomorrow. I guess I'm in awe of people who could raise someone such as you and am afraid that I will not make a good impression. I know that probably sounds silly to you, I sound like a schoolgirl being taken home to "meet the parents" and in a way, I guess I am but they don't know the circumstances. Although I'm afraid that my love for you is written all over my face sometimes when I look at you. I find it hard to believe that I can keep it all inside. Oh well, I guess I will just have to be myself and hopefully, they will like me. I read this and it makes me laugh. Maybe I really am a teenager underneath it all... LOL
11:08 PM Karen
Wednesday, June 18, 2003When someone says that they cannot express their feelings in words, it is not because they haven't tried, but because mere words do not do justice to the feelings of somone who is truly and completely in love.
When two people feel the way you and I feel about each other, we could send emails every hour and not say as much as is said in a glance or a touch.
I know that your feelings are something that you have fought for some time and that you're now acknowledging them means more to me than you would expect. Not because of any kind of feeling of power, but because I want you to feel even a bit of what I do when I look into your eyes and see only you.
Words can make you laugh or cry, but it's not really the words, but the feelings behind those words. Only if we are lucky enough to have experienced those strong feelings can we relate to the emotions that is evoked by the words.
Sweetest, most romantic, thing said to me tonight - maybe ever - "The email cound be ten thousand words long and I still would not be able to express what I am thinking and feeling, " Sweetheart, your touch says it all...
4:28 AM Karen
Tuesday, June 17, 2003Well after some badly needed sleep, I decided to get this show on the road and went to the Fanshawe web site. Nothing really in the teaching field except early education and that is not what I am looking for. So I will go with my second former aspiration - Marketing. Something that involves using your imagination and your mind. I have a few things in mind, so the plan continues
12:43 PM Karen
Got offered a ride on my way home again last night.... It makes me laugh. Do men actually think that when they pull up beside a woman in the middle of the night, walking alone, that she is actually going to take a ride from a stranger? I know that most are sincere, but really.... So much for everything our parents taught us.
I think I am going to investigate some teaching courses that I have been wanting to take for some time now. I'm not sure how many if any I can get reimbursed through work for, although some days it seems like the customers are children... It's time to get out and do something. I've made a budget to try to get out from under what I call the financial guilt aspect. I just need to really stick to it and hopefully by the end of the summer, I will have a long range plan in place. Rachel has a second interview at Stream so hopefully something will come of that. I need to know that everyone is reasonably self sufficient before I can make any real decisions for me. The only thing that I am sure of is that I am in the same place that I was so many years ago, where, if I am honest with myself, I have already left in my mind. It's just the physical separation that has to happen, and that will come in time. I just need to be more prepared, more sure this time. It's funny how these walks home provide such clarity when I am trying to work through the thought process that I have in my mind.
Anyway, this mind needs to sleep now so the plan will have to wait a little longer....
7:43 AM Karen
Monday, June 16, 2003Interesting day today. Someone who I thought was just a friend seems to want to be more than just a friend. Either that or he thinks that what I choose to give to one, I will give to him as well. Sorry, no one night stands here. I can't believe that not only do I feel nothing for this person where I once felt some kind of connection, I actually feel uncomfortable around him. He used to make me feel attractive and desirable, now it's more like a leering look that makes me feel like I should put more clothes on. I guess now that I know what genuine compliments are I am better able to see the ones that are strictly said for one reason only.
I know I told you this before, but I have no desire to flirt with other men anymore. That doesn't mean that I don't, just that I don't do it conciously. Maybe you are good for me. You have taught me what it feels like to want to be loyal to someone, to not want to do anything that will risk the relationship that we have. I'm not sure that I have ever had anything quite so precious, that means this much to me.
Anyway, that's all for now, maybe I will write more later. Later is a long ways away. Just like you...
10:38 PM Karen
how can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where I’ve become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home
12:56 AM Karen
I can love u like nobody else
When u fall into me
It feels so sweet, like dreaming
Press yourself into me
Let me feel your breathing
There's a voice in your heart
Softly calling
12:56 AM Karen
Downloaded Finding Nemo so I could watch it again. Also found the short that was before the movie about the snowglobe and downloaded it.
Finally got the Evanescence song I wanted and downloaded a couple more of theirs to see what I thought. Haven't listened to them yet.
My evening was reasonably uneventful after I talked to you. I spent it sketching because Joanna claimed my computer but that's okay, I really didn't need it for anything anyway. I did watch a Robbie Williams special. Both he and Harry Connick Jr. strike me as throwbacks from another era. They could easily of fit into the Rat Pack period. They have the look, style and the voice for it.
I was a little worried about last night's blog. I read it again this morning and it seems a little like I have either jumped the gun or accepted defeat on this relationship. It seems like I have assumed that you want me to make a decision, but I know that you are not asking me to do that. You know the obstacles as well as I do and I don't even know if you want more than what we have. My wandering thoughts make it seem that I know what you want. I don't nor will I pretend to. Nor do I want you to think that I have just given up on us because it is too much work or it has no destination, nothing to go towards.
I think that at this time, I just need to live in the here and now. It has to be enough to love you and know that you love me. I want to spend as much time as I can with you, as long as you want me with you. I think the main thing that I want you to know is that I know you have never asked me to make a choice. I hope this all makes sense. I felt that I had to explain, although I know that I seldom have to explain anything to you, you know me best....
12:49 AM Karen
Sunday, June 15, 2003Today was a perfect day. The weather was warm and sunny and I was in the arms of the man who has come to mean more to me than even I could have imagined. We took a blanket and went to the park to enjoy the day. I can't believe that I can't seem to get enough of the touching and kissing and caressing. We were there for hours and I could have stayed for hours longer just being with you. I loved your face when I was teasing you at dinner. When you feign being indignant it makes me want to kiss you into submission. Heck I want to kiss you into submission most of the time.
Finding Nemo was great. It was scary and funny and sad a lot of the time. When Dory said that Marlin couldn't leave because she needed him, it made me cry because that's how I feel about you. Even imagining that happening makes me sad. Which brings me to what I was thinking about on my way home on Friday night.
These are just random thoughts that run through my mind so please don't hold any of them against me. I told you before that we cannot control our thoughts. I was thinking about Maureen and about the situation that you like to refer to: Rose on the titanic. Both of these situations have common elements to us but they also have very different aspects. Neither Maureen nor Rose had children to consider, and Rose was going to a new country where she could start a whole new life, without the critism of or the possible misunderstanding of her peers. Not only that, both of these women knew that there was a future with the men that they happened to fall in love with.
I wish I could feel that way. I used to think that I knew what love felt like, but now these feelings that I have for you make everything else seem pale by comparison. I think that maybe I never knew what pure and true love felt like until you. Now you are all I think about. I want to be with you all the time, you know that. But there are so many obstacles in our path. Your family, my children, the people we work with... It would be different if my children were younger. Somehow you don't feel the need to justify your actions to younger children, but when they are grown, they tend to judge. And even if somehow we could get past all that, there is the one obstacle that I could never overcome. Someday you will want a family of your own and I could not bear to not be able to give you that. And no matter how many different directions I come at this, it always ends up in the same place.
I know that you love me. How do I know you ask? Because you told me. And I know you would never tell me something that was not true. That and I feel it every time you look at me. I feel it in your touch and hear it in your voice. I know that you want to wake up with me in your bed as much as I want to be there when you wake. I am just afraid. Afraid of the day that my love for you is not enough anymore. The day that you decide you need more in your life. That you want children of your own. Afraid that when that day comes that I will either be alone because I have walked away from a safety net, or worse yet that you would feel obligated to me because I had walked away no matter what the reason that I walked away. Either scenario scares me and makes me unsure of what to do.
Don't worry though, I know this is something that I have to work out in my own head and heart. I can't bear the thought of hurting anyone for selfish reasons. You and I have gone down this road many times and always come to the same conclusion. That there is no long term future for us. And yet we seem to be getting closer and closer to a somewhat serious relationship. The way things are right now is okay with me. It's not ideal by a long shot, but I can live with it. The question is, can you? I am not afraid to tell you that ultimatums scare the hell out of me. I find that people make the wrong decisions for the wrong reasons, or the right decision for the wrong reason and can never really be happy with it because they resent the person who gave them the ultimatum in the first place.
Like this blog, this whole thought process is a work in progress, I don't have any easy answers nor do you have any for me. I wish there was a magic wand that could be waved over my head that would give me the knowledge and the courage to do what is right for me, and for us but there is no such wand. There is only life - the ultimate work in progress.
1:45 AM Karen